Episode 14 - The Power of Holding Back: Let People Show You Who They Are!

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is back off. Allow a situation to breathe. Let people show you who they are and what they are willing and able to give.

In this episode, I explore the quiet strength of restraint. What happens when you stop micromanaging the moment? What shifts when you choose to observe instead of intervene? Drawing inspiration from Dag Hammarskjöld’s own ability to lead without dominating, I reflect on the art of holding space—of letting people show you who they are, without scripting the outcome.

This one’s for the overthinkers, the fixers, the perfectionists, the (recovering) Type As (like me), the ones who feel the weight of always having to manage the room. You don’t.

Tune in and exhale.

#DecodingTheUnicorn #DagHammarskjöld #IntrovertWisdom #QuietLeadership #ObserveDon’tControl #LetPeopleBe #EmotionalIntelligence #HoldSpace #PodcastLife #WriterLife #INFJThoughts #ModernMystic #HistoryWithHeart #MicromanagersAnonymous  

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Transcript

Transcription by Otter.ai.  Please forgive any typos!

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

Podcast episode, decoding the unicorn, giving space, negotiation, employer behavior, Dag Hammarskjöld, Suez Crisis, sovereignty, international cooperation, diplomacy, listening skills, employment, creative collaboration, micromanagement, diplomatic meetings.

Welcome to the Decoding the Unicorn podcast. Here's your host, Sara Causey.

Hello, hello, and thanks for tuning in. Welcome to Episode 14 of decoding the unicorn the podcast. In today's episode, I want to talk about giving people the time and space to show you who they are, not rushing, not fussing, not trying to exert your will on somebody else, but taking a step back, letting a situation breathe so that you can see what another person, or maybe in a negotiation situation, a group of people, are actually willing to give you, what are they willing to bring to the table of their own free will? If you're an employer, perhaps you want to hang back a little bit and see how an employee or a new hire is actually going to behave day in and day out in a new job. Sometimes in life, we want to lead the witness. We want to telegraph to other people. Here's exactly what I want, and that's not always a bad thing, but sometimes it's more important to hang back a little bit, calm down and see what the other person is capable of giving to you and then make the decision for yourself. Is this something that I can live with? Do I need somebody that's more responsive? Do I need somebody that's more intuitive, maybe more emotionally intelligent? Or have I set my standards too high? This is a lesson that I absolutely have taken to heart from the way that Dagg conducted his meetings and his negotiations, because he didn't stomp around, he didn't fuss, he didn't yell, he didn't make demands or micromanage and telegraph to everybody exactly what he expected in every moment all the time, like some Miranda Priestly type of figure, he gave people the space and the opportunity to show what they were capable of and what they were not capable of, and I'm learning in my own life just how valuable a skill that really is. If you found yourself in the same situation, stay tuned.

New to Dag Hammarskjöld? You're not alone. Sara Causey’s award-winning biography, Decoding the Unicorn is your gateway into the life and legacy of one of the most extraordinary men you've never heard of. This isn't dry history, it's intimate, alive and unforgettable. Pick up the book on amazon.com and start your journey today.

I want to begin by reading a passage from decoding the unicorn on August 1 the United States, France and Great Britain held a meeting. They were represented by Robert D Murphy, Christian Pineau and Selwyn Lloyd, respectively. Though many nations besides this tripartite wished for the Suez Canal to remain open for trade purposes. Rumblings continued in the West to simply depose Nasser and resolve the situation via coup. After all, Jacopo Arbenz was removed in Guatemala in 1954 after initiating land reforms. Why should Nasser be any different? After the Security Council met to discuss the Suez Crisis and nothing much was resolved. Dag asked Mahmoud Fawzi, Christian Pineau and Selwyn Lloyd, delegates from Egypt, France and Britain, to join him in his office without too much resistance, the three men followed him up to the 38th floor. The moment they stepped inside, Dag gestured toward a set of chairs. We have a unique opportunity here, he said, leaning against the desk as they settled into their seats, let's try to hash out our differences away from the public and the press. The three diplomats exchanged wary glances, and Dag slipped out of the room unexpectedly, returning quickly with a pot of coffee and a tray of white mugs. The men looked up surprised by the gesture, wow, when people call you the housekeeper of the UN I had no idea it was literal. Selwyn Lloyd barbed at Dag playfully, oh yes, I also still brush my own teeth and tie my own shoes. Thank you very much. Dag retorted with a smile. The ice thawed a bit, and Fawzi spoke up, Egypt will not be coerced by foreign powers. We have the right to manage our own resources. This is about sovereignty. Lloyd interjected, you know, as well as I do, that the Suez Canal is vital to global trade, not just to Egypt. You cannot nationalize it without consequences. Dag’s eyes moved between them, but he did not intervene. His role wasn't to steer the conversation, but to facilitate it. Instead, he picked up a notepad and unobtrusively wrote down their words. Christian Pineau pursed his lips, his frustration bubbling, France stands with Britain. This isn't just about commerce. It's about ensuring stability in the region. A unilateral action like Nasser's can't be left unchallenged. Fawzi bristling, but. Strain shot back, it's easy for you to speak of stability when it's your nations who've long benefited from controlling the canal. Egypt has the right to chart its own course. In his notes, Dag scribbled, rights versus interests. He then asked the room, Egypt values its sovereignty, and Britain and France value the canal’s role in global trade. Is there a path that addresses both the men eyed each other momentarily. Lloyd was the first to break the silence. If so, it won't be through Nasser's terms. Pinot nodded affirmatively, and for the first time, Fauci paused, considering his response carefully. Egypt won't bend, but we are willing to discuss alternatives. Dag nodded, marking a possible point of compromise in his notebook. Mr. Fawzi, Dag said, gently, turning his attention to the Egyptian diplomat, he made it clear that Egypt's sovereignty is non-negotiable. But I wonder, is there a version of international cooperation that you could envision, one that doesn't feel like an infringement on that sovereignty. Fawzi molded over we are not opposed to cooperation, but what we cannot accept is the West dictating terms as though we are still under colonial rule. Lloyd spoke up. We aren't here to dictate terms Fawzi, but the canal is critical for international commerce. There must be a solution that works for all parties, that's what we're here to find. Dag said, keeping his voice steady a path that respects both sovereignty and international interests, but it will require concessions from all sides. The men sat in silence for a moment. The warmth of the coffee provided a brief reprieve from the cold reality of their situation. Dag didn't push them. He knew better than to rush delicate negotiations. Instead, he let the quietness stretch and he gave space for the diplomats to reflect on their positions. Perhaps Fauci began after a long pause, we could explore a phased approach. Dag listened carefully, but his pen was moving swiftly, once again, this was the moment he had been waiting for a genuine conversation rather than a confrontation. Lloyd agreed, that's a start. A phased approach could allow for shared oversight, initially, with Egypt gradually taking over full control. Pinot added, and perhaps the initial phases could include guarantees for international shipping that would satisfy the need for stability. This is progress. Dag thought we can build on this. The crisis was far from over, but here in Dag’s office, some small bit of diplomacy was taking root, and in my segment Decoding Dag, I've titled it when to be quiet. Know when to be quiet so often in life, we start wanting to talk over the other person, or we start listening to respond. We're not even fully comprehending and digesting what the other person is saying. We're not fully comprehending the point that they want to make. What is their side in all of this we're just thinking about. I'm listening to you superficially, but really in my mind, I'm formulating my own response. Now, of course, in Dag’s case, he was dealing with monumental world issues, the Suez Crisis, the aftermath of the Korean War, the Cold War, duking it out with Nikita Khrushchev, who, towards the end of Dag’s tenure, it seemed like he was calling for Dag’s resignation all the time, the Congo crisis, etc. But even in our own lives, just day to day interactions with other people, it doesn't have to be about high stakes diplomacy or world shattering, world altering events. Let's use employment as an example. It's something that's definitely been on my mind, because as I lean into my life as a creative you realize that it takes a village. It's not all about you and your output, and if you're trying to do everything by yourself, for yourself, not only are you going to burn out, but the quality of the work is going to suffer because you can't do everything. You can't be all things to all people all the time. There are plenty of individuals that are polymaths and Renaissance men or Renaissance women, but at the same time, even someone that's multifaceted, multi-talented, can't do everything, and may not want to do everything. You may want to hire somebody to do your bookkeeping. You may want to hire somebody to illustrate the books that you write, or vice versa. You may want to hire somebody that does watercolor artwork, because you prefer to work in oils, but you really want something done as a watercolor. Now you could learn to do that, and maybe you get really good at it after a while. But that doesn't mean you always want to do everything by yourself. Sometimes you want the help of another person, and also it can get frustrating if you feel like that other person is not holding. Up their end of the bargain. I'm paying you good money, and you're not producing. You're not doing what we agreed upon. You're not meeting deadlines. And I very much felt this nudge in thinking about Dag and Dag’s spirit and the way that he handled things, to just let a couple of situations, breathe, step back. Don't micromanage, and don't telegraph to the person. If you want this working relationship to last the test of time, you need to be more responsive. I need to hear from you faster. I need a quicker turnaround on your work. I need to see that you actually want this job. I just felt this nudge like let it breathe a little bit. See who this person is. See how they respond when you're not telegraphing to them what your expectations are. See what they are willing and able to give you freely of their own free will, without you micromanaging. And sometimes the response that you get back is amazing and it's wonderful, and then other times, the response that you get back is, yeah, I think we need to terminate this working relationship, because it's not working. Now that I've seen what this person is willing and able to give to me, it's not good enough. It's below par. The work quality is not good, or they're going to cause me to miss deadlines of my own, and that's not acceptable. But it's about knowing when to be quiet, knowing when to be still, not to rush, not to come in like somebody operating a bulldozer or a wrecking ball, but just be silent. Be quiet. Be still. Give that other person the opportunity to show you who they are, and then you can formulate your ideas from there. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. I hope that it was helpful and encouraging for you. If you have not already liked shared and subscribed to this podcast, please do so, and I will see you next time.

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